I’ve been writing my blog for over 2 years and for the first time I considered I just don’t have anymore to give. My last entry seems a life time ago and I still don’t know who I am. It felt good to be so positive and uplifting and honest. I’ve welcomed the feedback and embraced the comments from those who have benefited from all I have to say. But at the end of the day and after 5 days of open flood gates with no end in sight I realize I’m still broken.
I don’t know if I really believed that doing this could fix me. I’m not sure if some words on paper were going to be enough to bring me the answers I seek. I’m not sure if it was ever going to be enough to help.
For the sake of not giving up (and my current feelings possibly temporary because I am no longer a fan of the holidays) I’m going to switch gears and try a different tactic. I’m going to write some letters. I know for the most part these letters will go unanswered but maybe by some miracle they’ll give me a sign. A doorway of possibility into who I am and not who I could have been.
This is my plan B. Raw, uncensored and unconditional. This is for me. My letters to the Archangels.
A far cry from the face I show the world but was I really so naive to believe that what’s hidden underneath my armor wasn’t going to break free? It’s left me humbled, wanting and quite wide open. This is a journey I must embark on. I wonder how long it will last? I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m supposed to live for today. Well today this is me.
Dear Archangels,
I’m pissed. I don’t understand why a family would bring a kid into the world and then not want them. Why not put the kid up for adoption so a loving family can take over and nurture and love and cherish them. Who could I have been if I had known a parents love?
The mistakes I’ve made are countless and this shell I’m wearing is cracking all around me. When is my face going to run out of water?
My youth was taken away from me and now the ones who it took it are all gone. Who is left to yell at? All these questions will go unanswered. Don’t any of you know what you’re doing? How could you let this happen? And how many kids out there are worse off than I ever was?
How long can I stay in this bubble of self protection hidden from the truths of the past? I just want my brain to work in a manner that I can trust. I don’t want it to play on tricks on me and give me glimpses of what life can be. I don’t want to take 2 steps forward only to fall tumbling dirty and breathless back down the hill.
Enough with the lessons already. You can’t keep leaving me dangling off the side of the cliff to fend for myself. If I have to embrace the fact that I come from where I come from and all I can do now is deal with it, then will you please interfere and help set me free?
I have a lot I want to do in a short amount of time and I can really use your help.
Imploring and annoyed,
PC
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photo courtesy of http://1ms.net/stairway-to-heaven-211384.html