Life 101{2}

life-after-winning-green-card-lotteryNot sure where I picked up the tenacity gene but once you get on a pegasus it’s hard to get off.  I know there’s strength in persistence, wisdom in mistakes and freedom in accomplishments.  Sometimes I’m reminded that I’m human. Like now. I’ve set out to raise my bar and with that excitement comes fear, humility and gratitude. Fragility has finally taken hold and I am submersed in my tempestuous nature.  The roller-coaster of emotions can be enough to make your head spin right off your neck.

I’m working more than full time going between job titles of Producing and Production Supervising. I’m about to publish a book that has been 12 years in the making. I am about to launch a company by maxing out my personal finances because I believe in the movement and I’ve been at it way too long to give up now.

Sometimes there’s no turning back. No is not an option.

The all or nothing philosophy is definitely freaking scary. But I’m not the first one to go down this kind of road and hopefully I won’t be the last.  I can’t help but wonder if Benjamin Franklin ever cried.  Yesterday morning in a conversation with one of my favorite Producers (and very dear friend of mine), I burst into a set of overwhelming tears that I had long since forgotten existed.  And while she was successful in making me laugh,  when I hung up the phone I dropped my face in my hands and I let go.

I cried for everything I could think of.  My fears, my failures, and my misguided youth.  I sobbed for how alone I am sometimes, and at the anger that my mothers dead. I cried for my childhood taken away from me before my time.  I cried for friendships long gone and I weeped for the people I’ve left.  I cried for the pain I’ve felt and for the pain I must have caused.  I just let all the feelings and sorrow and fear and frustration well up like an avalanche and find it’s way down my face.

I cried so hard and long I went from sad to happy.  My tears eventually made me laugh. I started to remember how brave I am and how fearless I can be.  How much I’ve accomplished in spite of the cards I was dealt. I embraced how much I’ve grown as a person and I appreciated how far I’ve come. I was able to take a long hard look at the people around me and I couldn’t help but smile some more.  On the other side of my sniffles I found myself exactly where I am supposed to be. And so I’m reminded…

As people we can be fragile. So far from perfect. Everyone has room for improvement. We’re no different in that regard. Even the most beautiful china cup can get a chip. But you can still drink from it.

Trust is scary. But people do care. You don’t always have to be your mothers daughter or your fathers son. You can come out from behind the shadows and know that your humility can set you free. We can’t be afraid to grow. We can’t be intimidated by who we used to be. Vulnerability isn’t weakness. There’s no need to be defensive. Practice makes perfect, tears can bring rainbows and promises to yourself can set you back on the right path.

A leap of faith and I join the epic adventure.  An autonomous decree that if I miss, the stars will catch me.  I become one with myself and the world is an illumination.  Me the shadow dancer being beckoned to embrace the splendor.  The flight of an angel. Protected from the fears of adolescence.  Guided through clouds of promises. Gratitude holds us high. Traveling the summit of our consciousness.  Only the inner wonderment of a child shall find us airborne.  Defying gravity. Immersed in the blue moon. The beauty of natures charms open her arms to us.  Stop and smell the flowers. Take a leap of joy.  Believe. The awareness has made me one with the energy fields and so I ascend in harmony. I am set free. I shall rise to the occasion. Choose life. An answered prayer, a silent lullaby, a dream come true. Angels, help me stay on course. Help me live like a butterfly. Help me love. Help me trust. Help me keep my promise.





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