Digging Deep {2}

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
― Anaïs Nin

     Seeing life through our own eyes is invigorating but it can also be misleading.  Our perceptions of other people are based on what we have going on in our lives at any given moment.  If we are in a bad mood we will project our feelings on others and the annoyance sets in.  If we are in a great mood, we might walk around complimenting everyone.

     Projecting our feelings on others is easy to do.  But we must be careful in our exchanges for fear (and it is likely) that we find ourselves in transference.  Have you ever been in an argument with someone and then all of a sudden stopped to really listen and thought “what in the world are we talking about?  This has nothing to do with what started this conversation.  How off track can we get?!”  This is called being in transference.  Something triggers us.  We are reminded of a past event or different circumstance and we are having that same fight again but with a different person.

     If we are truly honest with ourselves chances are we have said these same words over and over to just about everyone who means anything to us in our lives.  A parent, a sibling, a lover, or a best friend.  My mother, may she rest in peace, used to tell me to never lash out at anyone because you might as well be looking in the mirror.  Something happens in our psyche, something is triggered and it no longer becomes about the person you are talking to.  It becomes all about you.

     This is a scary theory and if you are brave and want to get to the crux of your behavioral patterns, you should try this.  It is time to take stock of the things we say in an argument or misunderstanding with our loved ones.  This is going to take a very open mind.  Open like two double doors onto the botanical gardens kind of open.  

      Most phones now have voice recorder so you just discreetly press record on your phone.  And remember this isn’t about the person you are having the disagreement with.  This is about us.  This is personal and is about our growth and our desires to rise above our patterns.  This is about being honest with ourselves and listening for the recurring themes in our lives.  This digging really deep into the subconscious of our past.  We don’t want to be a broken record.  That means we are not growing.  It means we are still trapped on a vibrational level that threatens to keep us on the hamster wheel.  Argh.  Exhausting.

     One of the things of I am learning in all this is the power of awareness.  It really can set us free.  It sets on a new yellow brick road of possibilities and opens us up to the wonders that come with growth.  Spiritual growth brings epiphanies, coincidences, and many aha! moments.  And those moments mean we are on our right path.  And when we are on our right path there is no room to go in circles anymore.  We must walk ahead.  One foot in front of the other.  Walk away from the past and the habits that threaten to keep us stuck and walk into the future where we are free to start fresh with every word we breathe and every smile we achieve.

Are you ready to break the pattern chain?


The W Chaser {1}

        In the beginning I mentioned that sometimes I would share something new or something old.  When my world gets this busy I must give in to the need to stay in the moment and focus on the tasks at hand.  Deadlines approach but my wistful nature threatens to distract me.  So here is something old but not outdated and my check in number seven.
        Faith, spirituality, the Id, self vs. true self, religious, existentialist, soul-searcher, lost.
        Have we all fallen prey to a society that puts such enormous pressure on the importance of being branded, labeled, and trademarked that we feel we must do this to ourselves too?
        If so, do I have an epithet? Who am I really? I know I am not what I do or what I drive or what I wear and I am not just the name that I use to introduce myself. I know I am not a size 0 or a super model. I know I am not hungry right now because I just ate and I know that there are a lot of things about life and living that I just don’t know yet.
        I know that bad things happen to us and that children die of illnesses that we can’t cure. I know that are children in Africa walking around with rifles and that a staggering number of our nations youth don’t know how to read. I know that some things are unexplainable and painful. I know that some things make us laugh but someone else won’t think it’s funny. I know that some days will be better than others. I know that some people go through there whole lives never wondering about anything and that’s okay too.
        I’m not one of those people. I want to know things. I am what you might call the W Chaser. I want to know who, what, why, when and where of every little thing.
        If I had to give an appellation to myself, I don’t think I could give myself just one. Can’t we be more than one thing? Isn’t it relative anyway?
        Is what we are, based on a belief system that we learned from our parents, read in a textbook, or in an ad while riding the A train? Is there a chart for the system or a graph or something along the lines of the periodic table? Or are we left to devise the meaning as it pertains to us now, today, in this moment?
        Wikipedia says that a belief system can refer to a life stance, a religion, a world-view, a philosophy and an ideology. So, do we study the individual beliefs and choose one? Or can we subscribe to all of it, you know, kind of like the One World Alliance and we would get travel points.
        I’ve decided. I’m a “believer”. I am a believer in all things tangible or intangible.  A believer in a higher power, in Judaism, in God, in Kabbalah, in philosophy, in science, in Buddhism, in the Universe, in the Archangel Gabriel, in love, and in myself.
        If we believe, then we will experience the wonderment of a child, faith in change and embrace the unknown. We will have an uplifted spirit so that we might try to lift someone else’s and our Id will know true balance. We will be our own-selves and we will be devoted to the greater good of purpose. We will continue our development as individuals and we will embrace our couragous manners to better ourselves as human beings. We cannot lose sight of our intentions to help make this world a better place.
        We just need to believe in our family, in our friends, in our neighbors, and in strangers.  Good-will toward others.  We need to believe that our plants will grow and the sun will shine and the fish will swim and that a smile will always brighten someone’s day.  Because one person really can make a difference, if we believe in each other and in ourselves.  The potential for greatness is limitless if we just chase after our beliefs with all our might and embrace them with the love and warmth that we would use to hold a child.
        What are you chasing after?


Flight Plan {0}

So many people come from broken homes or face tragedy at an early age.  Some of us, both.  How is it that some people are crippled by it while others rise above it?  How is it that I am one of the latter?  I am now more than ever convinced that I have lived this life because it was this life that brought me here. 

I received news last year that my life as I thought I knew it was a lie.  That the woman I called mother did not actually give birth to me.  About a month ago a friend of the family tried to explain more about this story but I dismissed it like a case without evidence. What else could I possibly hear, see or find out that might threaten to ruin me?  What’s done is done.  Whatever gets thrown my way now is just going to have to take a number and wait for a turn to affect me that may never come.  I have had so many outrageous things happen to me, that as a teenager I used to think I must have been a mass murderer in a past life.  I mean how else could I justify the horrifying events that happen to me throughout my life?

Well it is only natural that my thoughts try to get the best of me sometimes.  To remind me of the unanswered uncertainties of my life.  They threaten my intention with disenchantments of sadness, and isolation.  But I have the power to chose another path.  We all do.  And of course I have something to say about it.

Some people seem to be born like the birds that take flight for the winter.   They know instinctually where they’re going and which direction they are headed.   They even know how they’re going to get there and what they will do when they reach that destination.

We weren’t all born with the wings of a beautiful bird.   And I know that first hand.   If you’re like me and have felt at times that you were born with your wings clipped, you are not alone. It is never to late to believe in the impossible.

Have faith.   Have faith in your own dream, in your direction, your purpose.    In order to find our way we must first know ourselves.   And knowing ourselves is no easy task.   It may very well be the hardest journey that we ever embark upon.    But don’t fear.   It’s through knowing ourselves that we will find our way.  

The flight will be long and sometimes even tumultuous but the farther we spread our wings, the higher we will soar.   Don’t second guess your direction.    Just keep your head high and believe in your dream.   It’s our dreams that keep us alive and our instincts that will take us there.   Listen to your life.   It has a lot to say.  

When we find our passion and we follow it with all our might, we become unstoppable.   It’s when everything in life becomes synchronistic.   When everything falls into place you are on your right path. You are a bird who can fly and your wings (broken or not) can take you on the journey of your choice.

A friend recently referenced “the committee”.   The voices that try so hard to make themselves heard and try to keep us from our goals, our dreams, our destiny.   It’s at these times that we must have the most faith in ourselves.   To make our own Voice the one we listen too.   We have to use and trust our inner voice.   Our intuition.   Our gut.   Our instincts.

Move toward all that uplifts and energizes you, move away from that which drains you.   Follow your dream no matter what anyone says. Don’t give them the power to change your course of action or to second-guess your flight plan.

If you are distracted, and you will be, take a breath.   Check where you are.   Think of what you can learn from it and move on with that new knowledge.   It’s a learning process and we have to trust in it. This is how we will grow. By seizing each moment (good or bad) as the ever-present gift.

So, like a bird taking flight for the winter, allow the wings of your angels to guide you to your inner passion.   Challenge your “self” to live with purpose.   To spread your wings…and soar!

Value {0}

“What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve”.  Napoleon Hill.

Hill was one of Americas earliest writers of personal-achievement compositions.  His research into the philosophy of success and personal achievement found him interviewing some of the greatest success stories of his time.  From Alexander Graham Bell to John Rockefeller, from Tomas Edison to President Theodore Roosevelt.

They say that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear.  Well for me, at eighteen years old walking the aisles of Barnes n Noble, my first professor would fall at my feet, literally.

Think and Go Rich by Napoleon Hill.  Half of what I read I didn’t understand but what I did grasp, I absorbed like soil drinks water.  I trusted him.  My teacher was an advocate for Rags to Riches and I was certainly feeling pretty ragged.

I quickly realized that it wasn’t the kind of book that you read.  It’s the kind of book that you do.  So I did.  And when I was done doing that book I wanted more.  His first book, The Law of Success, broke down a persons potential in steps. Some of them made sense but some were totally greek.  But I check back in with my teacher every once in a while to see if any of these laws jump out at me.  I have spent lots of time with some of these laws over the years, while others have yet to introduce themselves.

Of course once I had one teacher I thirsted for so much more.   Benjamin Franklin, Andrew Carnegie, Og Mandino, Deepak Chopra.  The list is long.  But so is life, and you’ve got to fill it.

Creation, manifestation and undeniable faith define the pivotal moments in our lives.  Our own possibilities for greatness are endless and what we focus on becomes our reality.  I have been spending a lot of time with my friends lately having “pow wow” creative meetings.  We have pooled our resources and are launching a company together that I will share with you soon.

Yesterday we even came up with an idea for a new show and so we are moving forward with a plan of action to bring our idea to life.  The Universe sends down millions of ideas every second and many people receive these ideas in all different forms.  Some spring into action while others sit negatively griping, harping and beside themselves with jealousy.  Yuck.  Where’s the value in that?

We are all here to add value to life not to spread negativity.  On a hike with one my best friends and business partners, I had another epiphany and this is a visual I will never forget.

Being positive is really light.  It’s like a weight lifted off your shoulders.  You have a spring in your step, a hum in your voice and anything is possible.  But then there is also negativity.  Negativity is heavy.  Really heavy.  And there will always be these two types of people.  Negative and Positive.  And sometimes we will be one or the other in our lives.  And when someone is negative, whether they know they are doing it or not the positive wants to save them, help them, uplift them.  As much as we want to uplift them out of the dreary shackles of gloom chances are they will bring us down to where they are instead and here’s why.  Think about this for a moment.  Picture it.

You are standing on a ledge and in your hands you hold a rope and at the end of that rope is something really really heavy (negative).  You start to pull.  You pull with all your might.  But it doesn’t budge.  You can’t lift the heavy at all.   But now picture that you’re the heavy.  You too hold a rope in your hand and when you look up to see what is on the other end of the rope you see something light (positive) above you.  Without a second glance you give a small tug and guess what?  That light (positive) at the end of your rope is now lying in a puddle at your feet covered in negativity.

Sometimes we have to let people work through there own values.  They have to make their own choices.  We can be there for them but we shouldn’t try to lift them or pull them or engage in the negativity because chances are you will find yourself knee deep in unsurmountable turmoil that isn’t even yours.  We all need to go through our own processes.  We need to live and let live.  We can still share with the people we care about and let them know the importance of the value they bring to the world but that’s all you can do.  Suggest.

The way we speak and act toward others and the earth declares the value we bring to the world.  Are we setting good examples for those around us?  What are we saying about our friends and family?  Do we share our own stories or do we gossip about others?  Do we look to see what we can do to better ourselves and the world or do we seek ways to bring other people down to our level?

value |ˈvalyoō|nounthe regard that something is held to deserve; the importance or preciousness of something 
Let’s find something about ourselves that we value and let’s embrace it for theentire day.  I bet that if we value something in ourselves we will be moresusceptible to seeing the value in others.

Care to wager?

Life With One Eye Open: Reflections {0}

Life With One Eye Open: Reflections: “My last entry ended with me saying that I was in a mood. And it’s true. I have been in a mood alright. My moods have been…”

Reflections {0}

My last entry ended with me saying that I was in a mood.  And it’s true.  I have been in a mood alright.  My moods have been on the pendulum swing but this time I rode it.  I didn’t want to get off.  I needed to ride it.  Ride it out and figure out what messages I could deduce in the music.  
The orchestration of my life has missing notes, broken melodies and chords off key.  It’s loud at times and barely audible at others.  I realize that while a symphonist can have the intent to make the most beautiful of music, with no composer that orchestra will produce nothing but noise.  Orchestration needs to be cared for and guided and protected or it ends up being a red hot mess of sound.  Broken composition, misguided adaptation and notes played off key are musical suicide.
That’s me.  A struggling red hot mess that was born to a life with no composer.  But in that pain I find comfort.  I find the beauty in what’s around me and I have a romance novel level of hope.  
I was born into a certain circumstance.  I didn’t choose it.  I didn’t buy it.  I can’t let it hold me back.  And I sure as hell can’t let it define me.  It’s what I am doing with this information that determines who I am now.  And who I am now, is a girl who wakes up everyday and looks herself in the mirror and says, “Okay! Today is the day!  Let’s fix something that is broken and move on!”
I’ve been doing a lot of research for my documentary.  I have been studying the consequences of child neglect and verbal abuse.  It has been inevitable that I be reminded and with that affected.  I see some of these consequences in myself for sure.  The ones that I try to rise above everyday.  It’s not easy.  No one ever said it would be easy.  But I am doing it.  I get up everyday and face something else about myself that I don’t like but that I am thankful to be aware of.  
What I am also realizing is the importance of not dwelling and replaying the incidents of my past that I am not proud of.  All I can do is know that it takes two people to have a conversation, a misunderstanding, or a disagreement.  Just like it  takes two people to say I am sorry, I love you and I am here for you always.  
I push people away, nothing is ever good enough and sometimes I can be really hard to reason with.  But I also have a history of doing what I can to help people find a better path for themselves.  I also have a history of moving on or they move on.  Sometimes it ends in a fight and sometimes it ends in a hug and a couple of elephant tears.  Sometimes it hurts and sometimes I am thankful to see them go.  
In all of this I have also mastered the art of being accountable.  I know exactly what I am doing.  And I apologize when I am wrong.   Sometimes I think I apologize even when I think the other person should be doing the apologizing just to keep the peace.  Sometimes I really don’t give a sh*t one way or the other.   Like now.
Right now I care the most about my recovery, my happiness and all the people I want to try and help with my documentary.  I spent the first quarter of my life partying, arguing and running.  I don’t want to run anymore.  I want to face life head on and put the denial behind me.  It’s time to be brutally honest with myself and everyone around me.  
I am lucky to have people that believe in me and love me in spite of my misgivings and apprehension.  People who don’t insist on picking away at what’s left of me when I can do that all on my own.  People who share in the beauty and the struggle but are still verbally complimentary.  People who don’t insult me or try to engage me in negative exchanges.  It’s like I have said before negativity breeds like a cancer.  And cancer will kill you.  I’m not ready to die.
In all of my self discovery, somehow I have found laughter in my tears, joy in my struggles, and a willingness to persevere.  I’ve been doing a lot of laughing lately.  And all things considered the fact that I can find stuff to laugh about is very encouraging.  My endeavors find me hopeful and surrounded by an amazing group of friends.  Friends that I consider to be my family.  And together we make beautiful music.
The perfect epiphany.  I am now my own composer.  The life I am orchestrating is filled with positivity, love and laughter.
I am loved.  And maybe my friends love me for the same reasons I am starting to love me.  Because I am still here and I am still smiling.  Even when I am crying.
Thanks mom.  Where ever you are.  If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be where I am.

Outside {0}

No one wants to feel unstable, or experience hopelessness, or lose their sense of spirit.  And with everything going on in Japan my nonsense makes even less sense.

There are too many bodies for the crematory to handle.  There are people searching for water, food, and their loved ones.   What is happening over there is devastating and catastrophic.  It really puts everything in perspective.  Relative or not, sometimes you have to step outside yourself.  You have to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.  It’s not always about us.  The world doesn’t revolve around us.  And the best way to stop being about us is to be about someone or something else.

Whenever something bad happens, no one ever wants to think, “Oh that can happen to me, us, anyone, anywhere, any time.”  Well guess what!?  Yes it can!

What would we do if this happened right here in our own backyard?  What would we do if we lost everything?  If there was no food, no shelter, no heat in below freezing weather?  

What would we grab?  Where would we go? Who would we try to call?  Since we are all connected, we are all affected.  It effects us on a global level.  We are fragile and we are taking advantage of the very earth we inhabit and the earth has obviously had enough.  Will it reach us here?  It already has.

The markets are falling, the global momentum supporting nuclear energy is threatened and worse, our neighbor just lost their mother, father, brother, sister.  How painful it all is.  How humbling.

In a world based in control, there is absolutely nothing we can do about the onslaught of natural disasters.  But what we can do is find a way to play a part in the relief efforts.  It’s in this collaboration of energy that we will help uplift the energy of our planet and hopefully ourselves.

I’m going through life trying to make sense of all the nonsense.  But sometimes I find myself thinking f**k it, can one person really make a difference?

The answer is simple.  Yes we can.  We can make a huge difference.   And there are so many ways to help.  So I am going to just help for now.  It’s all I can do.  Here are just a few ways we can be one person making a difference.

www.redcross.org/   text 50555 to donate $10.00
ladygagabracelet    (click link to be brought to hottopic.com)

Side note:  I am pushing the release date of the trailer.  Tomorrow I will try to post my check in number 6 but I can’t promise. I can’t promise much this week.  I’m in a mood.  It happens.

The Big 5 {0}

So much going on!  How is everyone doing?  There’s a lot on the horizon.  March is quite eventful.

We are soon to pay homage to the death of Julius Ceasar, the Ides of March on the 15th of the month.  We will celebrate St. Patrick, a patron saint of Ireland, on the 17th, and my personal favorite, daylight savings on Sunday, March 13th.  I love when the days get longer and the sun shines brighter.  Even though the sun is closest to the earth in January, there is something to be said for Spring.  The equinox will occur on March 20th and catapult us into cleaning, socializing and showing off the time spent in the gym during the long winter months.  Or… well…  the muffin top acquired by sitting by the fire place eating oven roasted brie on baguette.

Either way, in all of the observing, the reverence, and the accolades, do not over look the most important thing to be celebrated.  YOU.  I hope March finds you happy, blissful and commemorating YOU.  Loving, adoring and uplifting YOU.  What did it take for you to get to where you are?  What are your very many accomplishments?  How many people helped you get here?  What are you going to do about it?

I’m going to keep honoring my heart and my passions and my reveries.  And by reveries I mean the daydreams.  The daydreams that I was capable of believing in so they must account for something.  For is it not true that if you can believe you can achieve?  Being one of the most quoted American inspirational writers, William Arthur Ward was on to something!  My daydreams find me helping, uplifting and encouraging as much as I can.

Mike Dooley of the TUT’s Adventure Club says, “Thoughts become things! So choose the good ones”.  I’m going to think my dreams right into reality.  What an adventure!

These seem like the most simplest of things but to adhere to the advise isn’t always that straightforward.  But you know what?  It’s kind of funny actually.  When you find you’re true hearts desire and you follow it with all your might, what might have seemed impossible finds its way within your grasp!

March finds me embracing my check in number 5.

     ~  Website is under way
     ~  Doc trailer is almost ready
     ~  Financial advisor is reviewing my business plan
     ~  Final sample will arrive next week
     ~  My focus, tenacity and humility are all in tact

Are you following your dreams?

Travels {0}

An idea not coupled with action will never get any bigger than the brain cell it occupied.  ~Arnold Glasow

Revised check in #4 
NO – Website failure, could be at least 3 weeks away!

YES – May have an idea!  Just came to me while writing the NO above… hmm.. more to come!

Check in #4  –  NO vs. YES experiment
     Productive weekend. 
     Prepped for NY Nike job all day Saturday (and back at it this week).  Saturday night submitted another literary query package for my book. Sunday spent the whole day in edit, Sunday night submitted another literary query package. 
     ~ YES!  Final edit complete for our fund raising teaser for our documentary – will post it soon.
     ~ YES!  Website under way.  Hope to be up and running this week.
     More to come!
     Are you joining me on the journey?  How’s your no vs. yes list looking?  Let me know how you’re doing in your travels.

Your Essence {1}

      When we experience negative thoughts about ourselves we are putting limitations on our growth.  We are placing ourselves in a box and closing the lid.  There can be no sun in this kind of darkness.  When we realize we are being negative we can simply choose to change our thinking.  As I have said before, even the simple act of saying the word positive can uplift our frame of mind.  Experiencing all or nothing thinking feeds the hunger of negativity.
      Our perceptions of how events effect us is rooted in our approach to life.  Our own life and the lives of others.  The worse kind of negativity is when it is projected toward others.

      Negativity • (of a person, attitude, or situation) not optimistic; harmful or unwelcome  
             • (of a statement or decisionexpressing or implying denialdisagreement, or refusal 

       One way to release the binds of negativity is to come up with multiple explanations surrounding an event.  Another way is to be accountable for the part you play in the occurrences in your life.  Do you see a theme?  Do you find yourself saying the same thing but to a different recipient?  Doesn’t it get old?  It must play like a broken record.  Hmm.  
      It’s time to turn judgement into solution.  To let go of blame!  To be accountable.
      If you always find blame in what others are doing or not doing for you don’t you think it’s time for you to start figuring out what you can do for yourself or for others?  It’s a lot more rewarding and when we fend for ourselves a funny thing happens.  You’ll see.
      If you spend your day engaging in gossip you will find that it is you that gets left behind and eventually people won’t want to be around you anymore.  That would be lonely.
      Instead of focusing on what everyone else is doing why wouldn’t you figure out what you could be doing?  Giving back to the world in some way is a perfect remedy for releasing negativity and there are so many ways to get out of your own way.  Volunteer for kids, help save a whale, Clean up your street.
       If we focus on the negativity in the world negativity will find us.  And be careful because negativity breeds like cancer.  It can actually physically make you sick and I am sure it would certainly make the people around you sick.  Nothing good ever comes out of trying to inflict negativity on others.  Negativity towards others is vindictive and often stems from your own delusions.   
       Negativity may be harmful to others but it’s more harmful to the person engaging it.  Another very strong case against negativity is this.  If you try to inflict negativity on others and they don’t engage (and hopefully they don’t), that negativity has to go somewhere.  It will find its way back to the source and it will multiply ten fold.  Eek!
      The world is a BIG place and it’s chock full of amazing opportunities!  There is enough abundance to go around for all of us.  Energy is in a constant flow.  It surrounds us like the puff of a blown dandelion.  Positive energy brings ideas.  These ideas are tossed around within this energy and it is ours for consideration. 
      Let’s share, let’s fill our hearts and our lives with love.  Let’s look at what we can do for others instead of what they can do for us, let’s be examples to those around us.  Let’s know that some things aren’t going to work out but that others will.  Let’s know that within each industry there is enough room for all of us to be allies,  let’s bring our own twist, personality and approach to everything we pursue.  Let’s do so with positivity. 
      If our essence becomes the good in the world the good will find us.  Do you think Microsoft and Mac hate each other?  No they coexist and they poke fun at each other in commercials.  Do you think Nike and Converse are at odds because they are both sneaker companies?  On the contrary they actually merged and created a bigger company.  Do you think authors are at odds with each other?  No!  Instead they compliment each other and put forwards and positive quotes on each others books. 

      What does your essence say about you?  

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