Life With One Eye Open

Men and Women In Non Romantic Relationships

Film, Fiction and in Life

     From as early on as birth and through most of our lives, we seem to exist in the context of our relationships. We search, long and yearn for connections, intimacy and belonging and most of us have a natural proclivity toward kinship, partnership and love. Earlier experiences can influence, if not define, how we interact in present and/or future relationships (Noller and Feeney, 2014). One of the many great impactful adventures to come out of the formation of interpersonal relationships is that of the “friendship.” And the friendship (platonic relationship) between a man and a woman may very well be considered one of the last great mysteries (Werking, 1997). The existence of platonic friendships has been well represented in pop culture and in fiction but are they accurate reflections of real life? How might real relationships be affected when there is a status change? Can this kind of friendship survive in marriage?

Men and Women Can’t Be Friends. Or Can They?

     There is much debate around the topic of platonic cross sex relationships because of the element of sexual attraction. Research has provided that at least one side of the equation experiences attraction to the other, showing that this sexual attraction influence falls mostly on men and in some cases women. This examination also shows evidence of the challenges of such ancillary feelings that can be a hindrance to the (platonic) friendship (Bleske and Buss, 2000) thereby threatening its capability and possibility.

     By nature people are hopeful (Bloeser and Stahl, 2017) so they turn to entertainment to bask in the possibility of the never-ending friendship. It is one of the emotions that make movies popular. Everyone of a certain age has most likely seen the movie “When Harry Met Sally” (Reiner, 1988) with Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan that was written by Nora Ephron and directed by Rob Reiner. Aside from one of the most famous lines ever repeated from a movie, “I will have what she is having” (Reiner, 1988) there was also a very popular exchange between Harry and Sally on whether men and women could be friends.

     The film “When Harry Met Sally” (Reiner, 1988) is not the only representation of the topic of whether men and women can be (platonic) friends. Pop-culture is peppered with the possibility of the male/female BFF (best friend forever) dynamic. One of the most popular multi-award winning shows was made famous by the chemistry between Liz (Tina Fey) and Jack (Alec Baldwin) in “30 Rock” (Sitcom, first aired 2006). As the episodes unfold this mentor/mentee relationship quickly grows into a (platonic) friendship. Shows like “Parks and Recreation” (Sitcom, first aired 2009) nailed it with the friendship between Leslie (Amy Poehler) and Ron (Nick Offerman). Their chemistry was the epicenter behind the success of the show. Another well-known power couple of sorts that is worth mentioning is Peggy (Elisabeth Moss) and Don (Jon Hamm) from “Mad Men” (Drama, first aired 2007). Peggy starts out as Don’s assistant but over the years she proves to be his equal and even as competitors it is evident that their (platonic) friendship withstands the challenges.  These are just few of the popular shows that defy the concept that men and women cannot be friends by giving us wonderful love-filled friendships that are also strictly platonic (Zlotnick, 2019). And we must not overlook the proof of how obsessed we are with the possibility that these relationships can exist. These shows have been some of the longest running programs in history airing for thirteen, ten and twelve years respectively.

     An interesting flip side to this is where are the platonic male/female relationships in classic literature? From what I could gather (Cinderace, 2015, Mullins, 2017) most literary works are based on platonic relationships with same sex characters or too often what may start out as male/female friendships quickly take a turn toward the romantic (Mullins, 2017).Maybe that is because friendships are complicated and mostly tend to be inherently unbalanced while romantic readings take us into a fantasy realm that you can only experience in literature. It does not mean platonic protagonists do not exist in books at all. After all, two of the most famous characters of this century were Harry Potter and Hermione Granger (Rowling, 1997) from the fantasy novel series “Harry Potter” and they managed to stay platonic friends throughout all seven books of the series.

The Foundation of the Relationship and Can a Friendship Reside Here

     Let us turn now away from fiction and to life. Can platonic friendships between a man and a woman supersede the audience challenge? As cross-sexual friendships become a more standard dynamic (O’Meara, 1989) they are still not without their challenges. Cross-sex friendships are a relatively new concept. For instance, in as currently as our parent’s generation it would have been rare to see and even today it is not considered exactly common. But they do exist and more so now then ever. Studies have shown that men and women who partake in these friendships view them as relationally significant. These participants report that their cross-sex friendships work because they are less competitive and their communication styles compliment each other (Rawlins, 2009). Today not only has it become more common, but also research purports that young adults tend to have numerous cross-sex friendships (Schoonover & McEwan, 2019). The question then becomes what drives this cross-sex friendship and how can it survive? 

Social Exchange Theory, Comparison Levels and Maintenance

     Most friendships come with expectations and anticipation. There is a fundamental need to fulfill certain psychological expectations whether consciously or unconsciously by the participants. A supposition that there be a balance of give and take usually exists (Homans, 1961). To maintain this kind of stability takes effort, compromise and the ability to peacefully reach resolution for any conflicts. For instance, if we think of our relationships like we would our business, an economic model develops called social exchange theory. This argues that our behavior is incentivized by an aspiration to maximize gain and minimize depletion (Homans, 1961). If both sides of a relationship are giving of equal value then the relationship should endure.

     The expectations and the comparison levels (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959) can be different for each partner and they hold value and weight on the outcome. Thibaut and Kelley’s (1959) theory of comparison levels (CL) suggests that one person in a relationship can have the expectation that it be rewarding (high CL) while the other person may not (low CL). These perceptions of the relationship are what motivate the participants to either stay in it or move on. And while for some, balance and benefits are the keys to longevity, for others chaos and confusion becomes the silent partner in the room. An interesting dichotomy is that in both cases people can stay on the partnership (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959).

     Further to Thibaut and Kelley (1959) suggestions, relational consequences are appraised respective to each partner’s expectations. People tend to have a preconceived notion of what they deserve whether consciously or unconsciously motivated and these perceptions can play a crucial part in the capacity of these personal relationships (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959). Relationship maintenance becomes necessary and can be quite unique. The partnership must engage in supportive tactics that are beneficial to each party and according to a series of studies (Dainton, 2000)those behaviors usually fit within five relational behaviors. They are are positivity, assurances, openness, sharing, and social-networks (Dainton, 2000). For most people, these relational behaviors are fundamentally important constructs for relationship sustainability especially when an already platonic relationship moves into marriage.

     Marriage in one form or another has been cross-cultural for many centuries. In years past, marital unions were arranged for two families to join wealth and/or increase land holdings. Other common reasons were to expand social relations and/or to boost political connections. While love usually had little if anything to do with these exchanges, it is not to say that love did not exist or even transpire out of these mergers. Over the years, as the world changed, so did courtship. In the 20^thcentury for instance the relationship dynamic has been wrought with many outside circumstances that have lead to an incline in divorce rates and/or not ever marrying at all (Parker-Pope, 2014). But marriages do happen and studies show that the relationships that make their way to the alter come with a higher set of circumstances and assumptions.  

The Marital Friendship – Can Platonic Love Survive

     Today finds that people also marry for many reasons and while love remains at the top, people also marry for things like fear of being along, security, financial mergers (still) and even because a clock is ticking or a child is on the way. Another motivation, for some, is to marry the best friend. Like the five behaviors (Dainton, 2000) dictate, a lot of time and energy gets invested into sustaining a friendship. When someone becomes a best friend it is usually because two people really get each other, they can rely on one another and they trust each other. A trusting loving friendship is very important for any relationship and can be particularly significant in a marriage that ultimately becomes platonic even if it did not start out that way and studies have shown that most marriages do become sexless marriages as couples grow old together (Schnell, 2019). Not all relationships need sex to be sustainable. Some couples thrive on emotional intimacy and this kind of closeness can strengthen the marital connection.

     While there are mixed feelings about whether a sexless marriage can endure, it would seem that if a couple are in accord to what their needs are, then the marriage should survive. Being in a sexless marriage does not necessarily mean a loveless marriage. In an entry for the New York Times, (2019) Tara Parker-Pope explores what can happen when sex leaves a marriage in an interview with associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, Denise Donnelly. Donnelly’s studies produced mixed results and inspired mixed beliefs on the possibility of a successful sexless partnership. These relationship dynamics proved to be very complex and somewhat complicated in that most couples need to look within themselves to find the answers. The couples individual histories, goals and motivations need to be explored (Parker-Pope, 2019).

     Since every situation is unique, for some, a platonic relationship can survive a long lasting marriage and/or partnership since having a partner with the same hobbies and interests can be enough (Parker-Pope, 2014). Also, being intimate in spiritual and/or intellectual ways can be enough to sustain a marriage. Another way intimacy can be fulfilled is simply by kissing and/or holding each other especially at night. Falling to sleep with a partners arm around us, can give a sense of comfort, safety and understanding. When a partnership is congruent in feelings and expectations commitment is established and can usually be maintained.

In Sickness and In Health

     Whatever the marriage dynamic, one of the most important aspects is whether or not the alliance is healthy. To sustain a healthy platonic relationship could mean more steps for success but with the right foundation in place is feasible. Studies have shown significant and consequential insights that can be transformed into practical advise for preserving a happy and healthy union (Parker-Pope, 2014).  A recent group study conducted by The Experiment Project, provided that 87% of the participants in the group reported love for their partner even thought they were not being intimate (Stef, 2018). There are other ways of bonding with each other to keep the relationship healthy like being considerate and loving. Being able to openly discuss individual needs within the context of the partnership and making a conscious effort to see that those needs are met is branded in a healthy exchange partnership. As long as both parties experience feelings of satisfaction and both are in agreement that sex is not a priority than sustainability can be found (Stef, 2018). Communication, honesty and compromise can be a solid basis for longevity in any relationship or marriage and not just in a platonic relationship or marriage.

References:

Adams, J. S. (1965). Equity in social exchange. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 2, 267–299.

Bleske, A. and Buss, D. (2000). Can men and women be just friends?. [online] Available at:http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.387.6189&rep=rep1&type=pdf [Accessed 7 May 2019].

Bloeser, C. and Stahl, T. (2017). Hope (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy/Spring 2017 Edition). [online] Plato.stanford.edu. Available at: https://plato.stanford.edu/archives/spr2017/entries/hope [Accessed 7 May 2019].

Cinderace blogs. (2019). Male-female relationships in fiction. [online] Available at: https://cinderace.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/male-female-relationships-in-fiction/ [Accessed 6 May 2019].

Dainton, M. (2000). Maintenance behaviors, expectations for maintenance, and satisfaction: Linking comparison levels to relational maintenance Strategies. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17(6), 827–842. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407500176007

Ephron, Nora, 1977, When harry met sally. (1977). [film] Directed by R. Reiner. New York.

Homans, G. C. (1961). Social behavior.New York: Harcourt, Brace & World.

Image sourced from: https://www.hd-wallpapersdownload.com/free-hd-romantic-hd-wallpapers-3D/

Mullins, C. (2017). 7 of the great platonic loves in literature – Electric Literature. [online] Electric Literature. Available at: https://electricliterature.com/7-of-the-great-platonic-loves-in-literature/ [Accessed 7 May 2019].

Noller, P. and Feeney, J. (2014). Close relationships. East Sussex: Psychology Press UK.

O’Meara, J. D. (1989).Cross-sex friendship: Four basic challenges of an ignored relationship. Sex Roles, 21, 525–543. doi:10.1007/BF00289102

Parker-Pope, T. (2014). For better. New York: Plume.

Parker-Pope, T. (2019). When Sex Leaves the Marriage. [online] Well. Available at: https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/03/when-sex-leaves-the-marriage/ [Accessed 16 May 2019].

Rawlins, W. K. (2009 ).The compass of friendship: Narratives, identities, and dialogues. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Rowling, J. (1997). Harry potter series. London: Bloomsbury.

Schnell, LMFT, S. (2019). The Importance of Friendship in Marriage. [online] World of Psychology. Available at: https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-importance-of-friendship-in-marriage/ [Accessed 16 May 2019].

Schoonover, K., & McEwan, B. (2014). Are you really just friends? Predicting the audience challenge in cross-sex friendships. Personal Relationships, 21(3), 387–403. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12040

Stef, D. (2018). Can a relationship Survive on little to no sex. [online] Professor’s House. Available at: https://www.professorshouse.com/can-a-relationship-survive-on-little-to-no-sex/ [Accessed 16 May 2019].

Thibaut, J. W., & Kelley, H. H. (1959). The social psychology of groups.New York: Wiley.

Werking, K. (1997). We’re just good friends. New York: Guilford Press.

Zlotnick, R. (2019). 20 of Pop Culture’s Best Platonic Relationships Between Men and Women. [online] Guff. Available at: https://guff.com/20-of-pop-cultures-best-platonic-relationships-between-men-and-women [Accessed 6 May 2019].

By pcarlson Category: adaptation, blog, Featured, intention, love, manifestation, Recent Posts, self motivation, trust, Uncategorized

Master of our Emotions

Can We Be Master of Our Emotions?

     Emotional responses are like the many roots of a majestic tree. Each limb represents a different sentiment, reaction or feeling.  They are the roots of our disposition, our personalities and a gage of our true self-awareness. Our instincts can fail us, our passions can weaken us and our reactions can leave us questioning our own moral compass. Our belief systems may need reframing in order to get ourselves out of the vicious cycle of someone else’s model of the world. The transference’s get triggered from childhood and we don’t even remember what started it all. What if it didn’t have to be like this? That we can change and it doesn’t matter where we come from, what we do or what was done to us. What if we could become master of our emotions?

Self-Awareness

     The odds were against me from the beginning. I was born to a mother that didn’t want another child, so I made my first statistic list before my first birthday. That was to be the start of a series of very wretched circumstances that would follow me through most of my life. But sometimes the circumstances you were born into are exactly what are needed to be sure you end up on your right path to self-regulation.

     I turned seventeen years old at 8:25am on the day I entered Barnes N Noble during my lunch break and had my first encounter with a self-improvement book. It literally fell at my feet as if someone had pushed it off the shelf from the other side. It was Napoleon Hill’s “Think and Grow Rich.” I don’t even remember if I read the whole book but I do know it set me on the path to discover a lot more books and a lot more about people and myself.  There weren’t any role models for me growing up. My sister and I were strangers and our mother was emotionally unavailable. The more I learned, the more I realized I had the emotional intelligence of a child. This was not ok with me. It was time to get motivated and to get my emotions to work with me instead of against me. Left to my own devices I devoured the words I read and set out to do the books. The authors were my mentors. My life became a series of what I like to call experiments and explorations into the power of the mind and the ability to change.

     Emotional Intelligence as a concept is relatively new. It wasn’t until 1995, when psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman published his book, “Emotional Intelligence” about the benefits of understanding and managing emotions that it began to weave it’s way out in to the world on a global scale. One of many things the researchers and authors seem to have in common is; the way to Emotional Intelligence starts with our thoughts, patterns and habits. We need to reprogram our minds if we want to be an EQ leader and motivator.

Reframing Our Beliefs & The Importance of Repetition

     To change our patterns we must first change our habits. We must rewrite the story we have been telling ourselves (or have been told, even if it’s been our whole lives) and reframe our belief system. We must give our life meaning and discover what matters most to us. To increase our emotional intelligence we must have an open mind. We need to know it will be a commitment and it will require our unequivocal belief, determination and follow through. We spent our whole life with the patterns, so to change them will take a whole lot of repetition.

     One of the first that I know of to master this sort of life awakening was Benjamin Franklin in his quest to attain moral perfection. (Franklin 76-77) He conceived of his thirteen virtues of success and he lived with each one for as many days as was needed until he felt he mastered the virtue before moving on to the next one. He created a weekly table in his little book so he could register his progress. (Franklin 79) I believe he has also been deemed “the father of the success recorder.”

     Centuries later bestselling author Og Mandino published the book, “The Great Secret in the World” to accompany his wonderful story “The Greatest Salesman in the World”, about a shepherd boy who comes across ten ancient scrolls of success. “The Greatest Secret in the World”,is an actual success recorder where you track your progress not unlike what Mr. Franklin did.

Mastering Emotions

     There are many facets to emotional intelligence. Some people aren’t up for the challenge. But think about it, do you really enjoy being moody, reactionary and argumentative? We have all experienced the proverbial emotional roller coaster. We can’t go through life and not experience fluctuations in our emotional levels at one time or another. (Mandino, 80) But we can take responsibility for ourselves and do the work to become master of our emotions. The scrolls are tools to help you get intelligent, emotionally, spiritually and in business and in life. If you commit to doing the scrolls you spend thirty days with each one and you read it three times a day: Once in the morning when you wake up, once with your mid-day meal and then at night before you go to sleep (and at this time you read the words aloud). You should start with the first scroll and do them all. Knowing that when you get to the scroll marked VI, you’re in for quite a treat because this is the scroll that focuses on being master of our emotions.

“And how will I master my emotions so that every day is a happy day, and a productive one? I will learn this secret of the ages: Weak is he who permits his thoughts to controlhis actions; strong is he who forces his actions to control his thoughts…If I feel depressed I will sing. If I feel sad I will laugh… If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals. Today I will be master of my emotions…” (Mandino 83-84)

     Once we have established our foundation (our new roots) of emotional stability, we will be better equipped to face the modern stimuli of a tele-conditioned society. The best place to start is always with us. In understanding our own feelings and model of the world and how they affect our behavior, we will be better equipped to deal with other peoples. The more we honor and respect our own values the more we will practice living from a place of our virtues. This will help us manage our emotional capabilities and expectations. Take the time to keep a journal. Compare you’re current day actions with possible patterns from the past. What does that look like? How does it make you feel? Taking an honest account of the memory will help you gain back your power and not respond to triggers whether intentional or unintentional. 

     There are many small steps you can take now and every day to start practicing emotional intelligence. Take a deep breath before responding. Never speak out in anger. Listen more then you speak. Hold yourself accountable. Be patient. Have empathy. Acquire new habits.

     The most important step toward emotional intelligence and mastering our emotions is to replace the habits no longer serving us with their positive counterparts. Spend every day practicing and honing and experimenting with new ways to perceive the world, yourself and everything in it. We are in control of our thoughts, our mind and our lives. Mastering our emotions and gaining emotional intelligence is within our grasps.

     It starts with a choice and only we can make it. 

References

Covey, Sean. (2018). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective College Students: Succeeding in College… and in Life. Franklin Covey Education, 08/2014. VitalBook file.

Bariso, Justin. (2018) EQ Applied. Bright Wing Books [EBook]

Franklin, Benjamin. (1706-1709). Autobiography and Other Writings. Houghton Mifflin Company. (1958). Boston, MA.

Goleman, Daniel. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books, a Division of Randam House, New York, NY.

Mandino, Og. (1968). The Greatest Salesman in the World. Bantam Books, a Division of Random House. New York, NY.

Mandino, Og. (1978). The Greatest Secret in the World.Bantam Books, a Division of Random House. New York, NY.

By pcarlson Category: adaptation, blog, Featured, intention, love, manifestation, Recent Posts, self motivation, trust, Uncategorized

One Future Day

Very inspired by a dinner party I attended last night with family, new friends and amazingly motivating conversations… 

How should we define the repeated patterns of our yesterday?

If time keeps taking us backwards but the messages they can’t convey.

Will the current road lead us to more chaos and dismay?

If time keeps taking us backwards we’ll keep living the ground hog day.

How will we, as a people, rise above the disorder and disarray?

If time keeps taking us backwards we won’t be able to walk away.

Will the current road stay intent on leading us astray?

If time keeps taking us backwards weeds will replace our spiritual bouquet.

How can we band together in mindfulness so we stop being a cliché? 

If time keeps taking us backwards our leaders will keep acting like birds of prey.

Will the current road induce another dire and tragic ballet?

If time keeps taking us backwards they will keep being guilty of affray.

What if we shared a global consciousness as in prayer together everyday?

If time could move us forward it could become an optimistic highway.

Would the new road take us onward so the past could not replay?

If time could move us forward we could be a transcendent soufflé.

What if we encountered a worldwide spiritual awakening today?

If time could move us forward it could rewrite the archival dossier. 

Would the new road move us ahead and away from a judgment day?

If time could move us forward we could get this life squared away. 

What if we invoke a thoughtfulness that becomes our new resume?

If time could move us forward in a determined and magical way.

Would the new road shift us into a higher frequency of waves?

If time could move us forward we could celebrate with a soiree.

Let go of yesterday and the Angels will convey

There is nothing to dismay and no more ground hog days

Don’t hold too tight to the future and you will avoid disarray

Walk away from that which you can’t control and you won’t be lead astray.

Our blossoming spiritual bouquet is never a cliché

And we are safe from birds of prey as we dance our own ballet

Keeping peace and so no affray, we stick together everyday.

Our highway to the future is hopeful because we have rewritten our own play.

Listen for the mystical soufflé and the messages of today

The dossier of times past should be saved for another day.

No judgments here as we get life squared away

Our new global resume is magical in every way.

The waves of higher frequency and our celebratory soiree mark the beginning of a new life in a new time for global consciousness all the way.

By pcarlson Category: adaptation, blog, Featured, intention, love, manifestation, Recent Posts, self motivation, trust, Uncategorized